How I lost my confidence.

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out”

It was with tears streaming down my face, my whole body shaking, feeling physically sick and visions of me in a hospital bed unable to move that I finally realised I had lost all my confidence. My heart broke. How had this happened? Riding was my passion, it was my happy place, my sanctuary. A time for me to forget about everything else and lose myself in the great outdoors. To become one with an animal, or at least that was the idea. 

I’d recently answered an ad on Facebook asking for someone to help exercise their horse. Once he was fit I could do whatever I wanted with him. I went and met the owner and horse, tried him in walk trot and canter, popped a couple of small jumps and agreed that I would exercise him twice a week and weekends. I only lived half a mile down the road and although completely willing the owner didn’t want any help with stable management or costs. It seemed like the perfect situation, able to enjoy riding again after a few years off to have children, without the expense or full time commitment. 

I met the owner at the yard a couple of days later and got him in from the field, tacked him up and off I went on my first hack with him. I was fine, he was fine. I put him to the test hacking up and around the local airfield and I must say he was as good as gold. Didn’t flinch once. 

I hacked him a few more times after this, a couple of times in the school and I seemed to be building a relationship with him. My sister in law keeps her horse Flyn not far from where this horse was stabled so we arranged to meet up one day. Everything was going great until we decided to trot down a hedge line. No more than 4 strides of trot in and this horse turned into a bucking bronco. Now I’m no cowgirl but (touchwood) I’ve never been thrown from a bucking horse. I like to think I can sit most things but this one was not giving up until he got me off. With the classic drop of his shoulder I went flying, landing hard on my neck. I looked up to watch him galloping around the field still bucking, we tried to block his exit but he wasn’t having any of it. He beat me to the gate and made his way home. Adrenaline took over and I went after him, luckily some very kind people nearby saw him canter past without a rider and one went after him and one came to find me. We were finally reunited and with my mum’s voice in my head telling me to get back on and not give up I rode him back to the yard, untacked him, washed him down and checked him over with his owner who had arrived following my panicked phone call. 

As it turned out this is something he does. The fitter he is the better he is but sometimes he will just do it. 

I went home to soothe my aching body in a warm bath and think about what had happened. Could I continue to ride this horse never knowing if today was the day he would freak out again and throw me. I have 2 kids. What would happen to them if he did it again and I really hurt myself? These were all questions going through my mind. 

I tried riding out with him again a few days later, this time with someone else from the yard, I was nervous and probably tense but as soon as the other horse went out of site around the corner he reared up on the road. I asked the other rider to slow down and stay with me but I could feel he was like a coiled spring. When we finally got back I was shaking like a leaf and on the verge of tears. 

Everyone I knew was telling me that I should stop riding him as he was dangerous but I saw this as a challenge. No horse had ever beaten me and I couldn’t give up. If I gave up that would mean I had failed. I wasn’t a failure.

I planned to meet my sister in law again and go for a quiet hack, when I arrived at the yard all hell had broken loose. A new horse had arrived at the yard and the other horses had broken all the electric fences. I managed to catch him and put him in his stable but when I went to get his tack I just burst into tears. I couldn’t do this, he frightened me. For the first time in my life I feared a horse, scared of riding, scared of getting hurt. I couldn’t do it. The hardest part was admitting to myself that everything I once knew was over. It literally broke my heart. Riding had been an integral part of my life since a child. 

I cried myself to sleep that day. 

Fast forward a few weeks and mum has told me that she is going to buy a horse that we can share. Something to help me get my confidence back and that she can plod around on. Not a complete plod but a safe sensible type. 

We were recommended a pony and off we went to view her. She looked nice enough, Welsh D/Cob with lots of feathers. Not my type really but I had promised my mum that I would give her a chance. Her owner tacked her and pushed me on to her. I was shaking with fear. I very nearly got straight off again. The owner took me for a quick hack and Winnie, the mare we were looking to buy, did nothing wrong. I was still scared and held her quite tight, probably to tight but she was well behaved and just what we needed. We bought her. 

When she finally arrived, she had lost a shoe so we couldn’t ride her. I spent weeks getting to know her, grooming her and built up a connection on the ground. She was lovely, such a sweet mare, without a bad bone in her body. 

The day our farrier arrived to replace her shoes my mum stitched me up. She had arranged for my sister in law to bring Flyn over so that her and I could go for a ride. Other than sitting on her back in the field I hadn’t ridden her at all. Our farrier was selling us a saddle too so within minutes of him finishing she was tacked up and I was thrown on. I felt sick, my hands were trembling and I was completely out of my comfort zone. Again, she did nothing wrong. I knew I couldn’t let my fear consume me but getting over my fear is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

Over the next few weeks I refused to ride unless someone was with me. My mum would walk out with me and make me trot away from her and back again. Slowly I started building trust in Winnie. The only problem was that my mum and I had wanted to be able to ride together and as it stood with only one horse and a Shetland one of us had to be on the ground. 

We decided to start looking for another horse so that we could ride together. Something that I would then start riding. The next step up from Winnie. We found an amazing site called CNG Equine and spoke to the owner, Claire. I explained what we wanted, how I had lost my confidence but was slowly getting it back, that I wanted to be able to do fun rides and cross country eventually. 

We saw a lovely horse called Bailey on Claire’s site and enquired about him. One thing we had noticed is that Claire’s horses sell very quickly so after establishing he could be right for us we purchased him having just seen video’s and pictures of him. 

Bailey arrived and he was exactly as Claire had described him. Forward going but safe. He loved to jump but need a bit of coaching. A friend of mine started riding him whilst I built more confidence with Winne. We entered a few fun rides, pairs hunter trials I even took Winnie out hunting with the local Bloodhounds a few times. Winnie is an absolute legend and gave me all my confidence and more back. Unfortunately, I was still nervous of other horses. Bailey was good but he was so strong and impatient. He didn’t like waiting and wanted to do everything at 100 miles an hour. We eventually sold him to a friend who is fearless and hunts him all the time. He’s found his forever home and we couldn’t be happier. 

I spotted Casper on Claire’s site and just felt that he had a kind eye. I spoke to Claire again and again we bought from Claire unseen. Casper would be our 3rd purchase from Claire, all having been unseen. We bought my daughter a first ridden so that she could move up from the Shetland. 

I had been nervous of Bailey as he was so forward going and impatient. I had made the mistake of letting someone else ride him all the time so although I had a fantastic relationship with Winnie, I had nothing with Bailey. I wouldn’t let that happen again. 

Fast forward to today.

Casper is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest horse ever. I never though any horse would beat the bond I have with Winnie but he is something else. He is so special. I’ve taken it slowly with him and I am spending the summer bonding with him. I ride him all the time. He fears being out on his own and tries to turn home but with my brave pants on I have a little word with myself and push myself. 

I’ve taken Casper XC Schooling but my ultimate plan is to take him hunting with the bloodhounds. I know he can do it as he has previously Team chased and hunted. Boy has he got a jump on him. 

So, that’s my background. That’s what happened to me. I’m not over it, I’m not sure I ever will be, I’m better than I was, I still have my moments. Sometimes my gremlins get the better of me and sometimes I get the better of them. 

I will keep you all updated with the adventures of Casper, myself and the rest of our crazy family. 

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